Recent surveys show that old-fashioned views on who should pay for dates are changing.

Introduction

A 2019 study by Bank of America found that 56% of Americans believe each person should pay their own share on a first date, while 36% still think the man should pay. As ideas about gender equality continue evolving, the question of "who pays for dates?" has become more nuanced and complex.

The traditional dating script dictates that on a first date, the man invites the woman and foots the entire bill. However, modern norms suggest a more equitable split makes sense for 21st century couples. While some men still prefer to pay as a chivalrous gesture, many women don't feel comfortable with or entitled to this assumption. The debate rages on, with millennials more likely to split expenses to avoid awkwardness and difficult implications.

Views also differ across geographic regions, between sexual orientations, and amongst various age groups. This article will dive deeper into the considerations around who should pay on dates, from financial expectations to social customs and unspoken dating "rules" for both men and women. With shifting attitudes and new relationship dynamics, we'll explore how to approach paying for dates in today's dating landscape.

Traditional Etiquette

For generations, traditional dating etiquette dictated that the man should pay for dates. This concept of chivalry was woven into popular culture, with movies, books, and traditional advice columns portraying men as providers who courted women by treating them to nights out.

Paying for dates was seen as part of the male gender role. Men were expected to pick up the check as a sign of their interest, financial stability, and good manners. Going "dutch" or splitting the bill was seen as rude or inappropriate, especially on a first date.

This dating dynamic emerged in earlier eras when women were less financially independent. Men controlled the finances and paid the bills, while women cared for the home. Dating rituals reflected these gender norms.

Of course, not every date followed these unwritten rules. But the general expectation remained that treating a date was a man's responsibility. This notion of men as chivalrous providers shaped dating customs for generations.

Modern Views on Who Pays for Dates

While traditional etiquette dictates that the man should pay for dates, modern norms and views on dating have shifted significantly. Many couples today prefer to split the check or take turns paying when going out.

Several factors have contributed to this change in perspective:

• Splitting the bill is more common, especially among younger generations like millennials and Gen Z who prioritize equality in their relationships. Many women today have well-paying careers and income of their own. They do not expect or want men to foot the bill each time.
• The idea of the independent modern woman who can pay her own way has become mainstream. Women have fought hard for economic and social equality and feel they should not have to depend on men financially.
• There's a shift toward more egalitarian relationships where both partners see each other as equals in all aspects, including financially. Strict gender roles when it comes to paying for dates are seen as outdated.
• A first date is often considered a mutual investment of time and effort. Since both people are choosing to spend time together, many feel it's fairer to split that cost between them.
• Paying or not should not have any bearing on a sense of obligation after the date. Splitting avoids awkwardness if one person is not interested in pursuing anything further.
• Some simply prefer to go dutch from the start to avoid any uncomfortable expectations on future dates. It sets the tone that each person pays their own way.

While views are evolving, the expectation that the man pays still persists in more traditional demographics, regions, and age groups. But among progressive urban millennials and Gen Zers, sharing costs is now the norm.

First Date Who Pays?

There are no hard and fast rules on who should pay on a first date. Traditional etiquette often dictated the man should pay, but modern dating norms have become more relaxed and equitable.

The best advice is not to make assumptions based on gender. Rather, discuss preferences openly to avoid awkwardness. Many first dates now involve splitting the bill, which sets an equal precedent from the start. If your date insists on paying, say thank you and offer to cover the next one.

If one person initiated the date, they may offer to pay. However, the invitee shouldn't assume they will be treated. Offer to split the check, but don't make it awkward by insisting if the other person wants to pay. Whoever pays, make sure to show appreciation.

Going Dutch or splitting the bill avoids any tricky conversations or unclear expectations around finances. It's the easiest option for a first date when you're still getting to know each other. However, some traditional daters still see splitting as less romantic.

The key is communicating with your date rather than relying on assumptions. Find out their preferences and discuss how you'd like to handle it. Compromise as needed by taking turns or covering specific expenses like drinks vs dinner. With open communication and willingness to be flexible, who pays on a first date doesn't have to be a point of contention.

LGBTQ+ Dating and Paying for Dates

In LGBTQ+ relationships, there are often no predefined gender roles or assumptions about who should pay for dates. This allows couples to have more open and direct communication about their preferences.

Without heteronormative expectations, LGBTQ+ couples can discuss who will pay for the first date and future dates based on factors like who initiated, who has more disposable income, or simply taking turns. Some couples choose to split the bill evenly to keep things fair.

For lesbian and gay couples, there is no expectation that one gender should always foot the bill. Queer women have shared that they actually feel more empowered to pay for dates with other women.

In relationships with non-binary, trans or genderfluid partners, couples tend to have very candid conversations about money and avoid assumptions based on gender identity or expression. Open communication and respect are key.

The LGBTQ+ dating scene provides an example of how paying for dates can be handled without outdated notions of men always paying. Removing those gender biases opens up more discussions about preferences, budgets and values.

Regional Differences in the U.S. on Paying for Dates

Views on who should pay for dates vary across different regions of the United States. Traditional norms tend to prevail more strongly in the South and Midwest, where men are more likely to insist on paying the bill for a first date. Surveys have found that up to 65% of men from Southern states such as Alabama and Louisiana refuse to let a woman pay her share on a date. The thinking goes that a gentleman always pays, and allowing a woman to pay would be unchivalrous.

In contrast, attitudes in the Northeast and on the West Coast lean towards more equality when it comes to footing the dating bill. Around 55% of women in states like New York, Massachusetts and California offer to pay or split the check, especially in more liberal urban areas. The reasoning is that since gender roles have become less rigid, there's no assumption that the man alone should cover dating expenses. Going Dutch on a first date is seen as progressive and practical by many young urbanites.

So while old-fashioned norms around men paying prevail in some regions, the tide is turning towards more egalitarian practices like splitting the bill, especially among millennial daters. But in the quest for equality, it's still important to offer to pay your share while being gracious if your date prefers to treat you. Clear communication about financial expectations can help both parties enjoy the date and avoid awkwardness!

Studies and Statistics on Who Pays for Dates

Recent surveys and studies provide interesting insights into current attitudes on who should pay for dates.

• According to a 2019 EliteSingles survey, around 70% of women and men believe you should split the check on a first date. However, 75% of men said they usually end up paying, indicating some disconnect between preferences and practices.
• A 2020 survey by OnePoll found that 77% of millennials prefer to split the bill on a first date. However, baby boomers had a more traditional view, with 65% saying the man should pay.
• Data from the dating app Hinge showed that of their female users aged 18-25, only 29% expect men to always pay for dates. In contrast, 49% of women over 40 had this expectation.
• According to 2018 results from Meet.com, 54% of women prefer splitting the check on a first date. But 40% of men said they feel pressured to pay for all dates.
• Match.com found that across all regions of the US, over 50% of singles expect dates to be paid for mutually. However, Southern men were most likely to insist on paying the full bill.

The data indicates evolving views on date payments, though some gender and generational divides persist. Further research across demographics could provide added insights.

The Awkward Conversation

Bringing up who is going to pay for a date can feel awkward, but it doesn't have to be! The key is to avoid making assumptions and be ready to have an open, honest conversation with your date.

Rather than jump to the conclusion that your date will pay based on their gender, consider their personal views. Some people feel strongly that the person who initiated the date should pay, while others prefer to split things evenly no matter what. Don't let traditional norms dictate expectations.

A good tactic is to casually bring up the topic of paying before the check even arrives. You could say something like "I'm happy to pay my share for dinner tonight" and see how they respond. That opens the door for them to offer to cover the whole bill, split it, or let you know their preference.

If your date does offer to pay the entire bill, you can politely say "Thanks so much, but I'd feel more comfortable splitting it with you." If you want to pick up the tab for the next date, add "Maybe I could get the next one!" This shows appreciation while also establishing that you prefer an equitable approach.

The key is to communicate respectfully and be prepared for either person to pay. Avoid awkwardness by having the conversation in advance rather than confronting the check wondering who will grab it. Make a pact that you'll take turns so that nobody feels taken advantage of.

Most importantly, don't let finances become a power struggle. You're on a date to get to know each other, not keep score. Be gracious no matter who pays and focus on building a real connection.

Expert Opinions: What Do The Dating Pros Recommend?

When it comes to modern dating rules and etiquette around who should pay for dates, what guidance do experts have? Here's what some top dating coaches and relationship therapists recommend:

Dating Coaches Weigh In

SwipeWise Coaches recommend that Men should pay, as person who initiated the Date you remove the friction of having the other person think about it, offering to split or letting her take over may reduce your chances on a second date, even if she accepts it.

Renowned dating coach Matthew Hussey is a big proponent of whomever initiated the date paying the bill. As he told Elite Daily, "Whoever asked for the date should offer to pay for the date."

Hussey explains that this takes the awkwardness out of the bill splitting conversation. The person who did the asking shows they're interested and serious by offering to cover the first date.

Other dating experts like matchmaker Carmelia Ray also recommend sticking to traditional etiquette, at least for the first few dates. "For at least the first three to five dates, I suggest letting the man pay," Ray advised women in an interview with Best Life. Her rationale is that chivalry is not yet completely dead, and many men still appreciate being able to treat a woman on early dates.

However, Ray says that women should offer to split the bill after a relationship is established. Doing so shows appreciation and equality between partners.

What Relationship Therapists Recommend

Couples counselor and relationship therapist Anita Chlipala encourages an open conversation between partners about financial expectations around dating expenses.

As she wrote in a CNN article, finding alignment is key: "Talk through these expectations before you get too far down the dating road and end up disappointed or confused." This allows both parties to understand preferences and avoid resentments.

Therapist Elisabeth LaMotte also advocates for candid communication, as noted in her Washington Post column. She advises couples to "Have an honest conversation about money values early in the relationship. Being transparent about finances reduces anxiety for both people."

So while traditional etiquette still often prevails, expert consensus indicates clear communication and taking turns are the fairest modern approach to sharing dating expenses.

Paying Etiquette Tips

When it comes to paying the bill on a first date, it's important to be prepared for any outcome. Here are some tips on first date payment etiquette:

• If your date pays the bill, thank them sincerely. Let them know you appreciate them treating you.
• Make sure to offer to pay for the next date. This shows you don't expect them to pay every time and sets up an arrangement where you can take turns.
• Don't insist on paying if your date wants to cover the first date, but make it clear you'd like to get the next one.
• If you want to split the bill, bring it up early in the date rather than waiting until the check comes. Say something like "How about we go dutch tonight?" so you're on the same page.
• Never assume your date will pay just because of their gender. The polite thing is to offer to pay your share.
• Be prepared with enough cash on hand or a credit card you can use to pay for your portion or the whole bill if needed.
• If the date is really uncomfortable or things don't go well, don't feel bad discreetly paying for yourself. You don't want to feel indebted.
• Paying etiquette also means not ordering the most expensive items on the menu if your date is treating you. Stick to mid-range options.
• Relax and focus on getting to know your date rather than stressing about who pays the bill. As long as you're gracious and appreciative, you can't go wrong!